A Hour Too Late
by scarletpoppy
Summary: "I remembered the feeling of your warm skin of mine, the scrape of stubble that I felt just briefly, the scent of your aftershave, your warm arms. I appreciated every moment. And every single second we could have had together I will miss." Sad/Angsty one-shot from Harry and Nikki's point of view


**Hello :) Sorry for the long time not updating, I seem to have lost my muse and the ability to type up all my handwritten chapters. Not sure where this came from really, I wrote it suddenly. **  
**Anyway this is for all my lovely friends that I've met so far on here and on twitter :) I'm rubbish at dedications but in my upcoming chapters of His Mums Boyfriend I will be dedicating :P Love you all**

**Right, about this fic. First of all tissue warning, I think, I don't know if you will, but I've warned you, now go and get one just in-case. Secondly it is a sensitive topic, and I have been mean, it cover the topic of suicide and I understand if you don't want to read it. Thirdly, for anyone who does read it and would like someone to talk to I am here for you, even though you might not know me, I don't mind listening.**

**So, enjoy (?) the fic!**

You knocked on the door loudly. She hadn't been herself today, you suspected if was just some sort of hormone, or whatever women's excuse for being slightly tearful and exhausted all day. But whatever it was, you were now standing opposite her door holding a feeble plastic bag full of her take away favourites, with a bottle of red wine in the other. With difficulty you knocked louder.

No answer still, you might as well use the spare 'hidden' key. You placed the wine of the floor as you unhooked the key. You unlocked the door, picked your wine back up and stepped in.

It was eerily silent. There was no movement, not a sound. The air was still. You called out her name, no answer. Perhaps she was out, gone for a walk or something. You noticed a picture frame on the kitchen counter, which never used to be there. You walked over to it. It was one of Nikki, Leo and you. It was one of your favourite pictures; it brought back some good, happy memories. Nikki looked very beautiful in it, her smile was perfect.

You thumbed the frame, wondering where Nikki was. How you failed to notice the folded piece of paper on the table next to the picture for a few minutes did surprise you. But you picked it up and read it anyway.

_If you see this it's probably too late. I won't obviously be dead as I'm writing this but only a few minutes away I would think, or I would hope anyway. _

_I'm happy to do it. That's what you should remember- it is what I want okay? _

_You've been such a fantastic friend. You're my best friend. And I love you so much. And this letter is for you, your eyes. And I don't even need to say your name, you know who you are. Because you'll probably be the first one to find this, not because I set it up that way, but because you know me so well. You know that I was down today at work, but I tried to put on a brave face. I appreciated today, you were so kind, and you gave me your famous hug, you knew there was something wrong. I savoured it in my head. I remembered the feeling of your warm skin of mine, the scrape of stubble that I felt just briefly, the scent of your aftershave, your warm arms. I appreciated every moment. And every single second we could have had together I will miss. _

_I'm really not happy I think. There's nothing for me to live for. What do I have? I don't have many friends, I live on my own, I don't have a family, I'm not the best pathologist ever, no one truly loves me, I'm almost 40 now and I don't have a family of my own, I don't have children, or a husband, or even a boyfriend, and every boyfriend I have had has been useless. I don't really have anything do I?_

_You're going to fight against this as much as possible. Tell me that I have everything, tell me I'm wrong, and tell me that you and Leo are my family. Which in some ways, you are, but I want my own family. And it's getting too late now. It could still happen I guess, but I'd rather stop now than be disappointed in the future. _

_I'm so tired. My heart is so heavy, it's like I'm dragging myself around these days. Every move or feeling is an effort, something which I don't want to deal with anymore. _

_I'm sorry. I don't want to say I regret this, because I don't, but I wish I could see another way sometimes. I wish there was direction in my life something to live for, something to achieve. I'm lost, I'm falling and no one is there to catch me this time, even you haven't managed to stop this endless sinking._

_They'll be my post mortem, and my inquest. It will probably be an obvious suicide. I'd want you or Leo to do it, but I know that's not possible, so just make sure it's someone good ok? Someone I'd trust. Also, just so you know I want as many of my organs to be donated as possible, perhaps that's the last good thing I'll do. _

_Make sure Leo's ok for me will you? Look after to him please, make sure he's happy, or makes up with Janet or finds someone. Tell him that I always thought of him as a Father figure and he's helped me so much; give him a hug from me._

_And for you... A really selfish part of me wants you to be sad, for you to never move on. You're my best friend, and you always should be! I don't want you having another friend. But deep down I want you to be wonderfully happy. Find another friend, someone to like you, even love you. Find a wife, have a baby. Because you'll be a brilliant Daddy. And husband. I never understand why you never settled down, I always wondered if it was because you were frightened of becoming like your Father, but I promise you that you wouldn't. If you treat your partner like you ever treated me then she will fall in love with you instantly, and you will never have anything to worry about._

_Make sure whoever takes over my job doesn't steal your desk this time! They can have mine; I spent more time on yours anyway. _

_My will and things like that are in the cabinet under my desk where the computer is. Everything is basically going to you and Leo really. Feel free to chuck any of my stuff out, only a few items which I have stated in the will I want you to keep and pass on or whatever. _

_I can't really think of that much more now, so I suppose this will be the hardest bit. Saying goodbye. So this is it. Hopefully we'll see each other again, in a better place if there is one. I suppose it's cowardly this isn't it? Taking the easy way out, just saying goodbye on a piece of paper, not even to your face. But I've got to say this really doesn't feel easy. This is horrible. I don't know if I can do this._

_Goodbye my Harry, I'll always love you xxx_

You froze. You hardly dared to breathe. You dropped the piece of paper and watched it float to the ground, making those final side to side rocking movements before settling on the tiles. You stepped away from it like it was poison, a bomb, something unbelievable terrifying.

You couldn't lose her.

Where was she? You had wasted precious minutes! You wheeled around praying for a tiny miracle that she changed her mind. She wasn't there or anywhere in the living room for that matter. You had to find her, to hold her.

Let her be alive.

You remembered that she would know how to kill herself beyond no return, you were doctors, pathologists, and you saw different intricate ways how Death took hold of people.

As you raced along her hallway you felt a heavy sob break free from your chest. Your hot salty tears fell. You weren't sad, not yet, she wasn't dead yet, you just felt so angry. She couldn't just take herself from you, she could just tell you to move on, have a family! She better not be dead.

You flung open her bedroom door. Her creamy flowery room was dark, but amongst the patterned duvet there was a small lump, as if she was curled up underneath. There was no sign of movement.

It was the harrowing silence that got to you most, there was no sign of breathing, no life; even the flowers on the bedside table seemed wilted.

You've never prayed before, but in that moment, in that last moment of hope, of desperation, you find yourself looking at the ceiling and begging. Who are you begging with though? It can't be the immaculate white ceiling, or the shadows cast onto it. What are you looking for? What are you expecting to find?

With a deep breath you walk forwards and slowly pull the covers back. Her golden hair was trailed back across the pillow, sort stands covered her face. You gently leaned forwards and tucked these behind her ear.

Her skin felt cool. You still checked her pulse anyway, placing two fingers calmly on her neck. You waited. Waited for a flicker of life. Waited. You removed your hand.

You looked at her tiny still body. She was beautiful. Peaceful.

You walked over to the bin, confirming your suspicions. All you could see was empty packets of drugs. Paracetamol, Ibuprofen, Aspirin, you could see lots, there were different packets as well as a finished glass of wine on the side. A lethal cocktail. There was some irony in the fact that she had cleaned the packets up after her. You remembered the case where that man had committed suicide, and she said joked that cleaning your hands would be the top of your list before you died. That's exactly what she did.

You called Leo. You told him to get to Nikki's flat as soon as possible. You made sure you didn't make it sound to urgent, you wanted some time with her.

Climbing into bed with her you noticed she was holding a few pictures in her hands. The first one was from when she was little. It was obviously in South Africa and she was sitting on her Mother's lap. Her Father was next to her. The next was of her and Sara; it made you laugh because they both looked very drunk. The third was when Leo got his MBE; it was the three of you again. The last one was both of you, it was a night out again (how many had you had?) and you were looking at each other laughing. She was so perfect, why had she done it?

The tears started to fall now. In a heartbroken sorrow you wept. Your Nikki, your poor lovely Nikki.

You picked her up and cradled her in your lap. You could feel the first signs of rigamortis setting in her finger joints as you entwined your fingers into hers. She'd probably been dead just over an hour. You were an hour too late. An hour too late to save the person you loved.

Your tears fell onto her beautiful face; they ran down it, as if they were her tears. You rocked her gently, as if she was a baby; you were trying to comfort her. You kissed her forehead, attempting to take in that Nikki smell. It wasn't there; nothing of her was there anymore. You pressed a kiss onto her cold lips and cried. You held her close to you; you tried to warm her up, desperately trying to bring her back.

She was gone. That was it. You never had your chance to tell her goodbye, to tell her how much you loved her. But it didn't matter now, nothing mattered.

You wiped your tears from her face. You were careful, caring. In your heart she was still alive, you were looking after her.

She was so beautiful. So special to you, you would never understand why. You knew she was probably mentally ill, but how did you not notice? You don't know how you were supposed to cope without her now.

"Rest in peace my Nikki." You managed to whisper to her, chocking on your own tears. "Show the angels how it's done ok? I'll always love you as well beautiful."

**Sorry if that was too depressing :/ Thank you for reading, please just give any sort of little review just so I know some people out there are reading my stuff!**

**Love you all x**


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